Sunday, October 03, 2004

How to Inject Some Oomph! and Pizzaz into the Zombie Contest Across The Border

by would be Presidential Debate Moderator Onyango Oloo

By the way,let me kick off with a Memo to Kibaki and the rest of the NARC government:

Yes WE KNOW that Minister John "Slippery Liver" Michuki is in Montreal this weekend. And we know that several Kenyan parliamentarians have snuck into Quebec City for the 50th Commonwealth Parliamentary Association conference. Why should Kenyan elected officials sneak around this province as if they are CATTLE RUSTLERS? Kwani mulisikia tutawadunga na mikuki ama kuwakata kata na shoka jamaani?

As you can tell, the Kenya Democracy Project has ZERO INTEREST in EMBARASSING the Waheshimiwa from Nairobi.

Tell them to drop me a line at I still have some mirsik left over with a couple of obambla, odhadho and githeri, kisamvi, and fried termites to share with some freshly made purplish kuon kal or razor thin chapati kiswahili style cut neatly with the pand kisu I keep handy for just such occasions...

Back to the regularly scheduled programming:

I was waiting for those talking heads to stop talking about the tepid so called debate between the two White Anglo Saxon Protestant American millionaire-patricians who performed bizarre and macabre rituals when they were both mastering the secret handshakes and weird passwords of that ghoulish cult called Skull and Bones.

A rough consensus has emerged that John Kerry came out on top.

Big Deal.

I was left completely UNDERWHELMED.

When I see John Kerry I think of a cold beige bowl of tapioca.

OK, everyone knows that Onyango Oloo was one of Canada's most shameless cheerleaders for that also ran, Howard Dean, recklessly installing him in the White House before he had won a single primary.

So: YES,

that Democratic voters are stuck with that almost lifeless cadaver married to Ms. Ketchup Fortune.

I mean, TOO BAD that Mister Elephant Ears Dennis Kucinich did not make much headway despite the fact that he was politically more progressive than ANYONE in the field including the aforementioned screaming physician from Vermont.

And the Rev. Al Sharpton has come a long way since Tawana Bradley smeared lotsa egg on his face with accusations that turned out to be less than correct...

By the way, I am NOT ALONE, alright, in veering close to INDIFFERENCE when it comes to the Kerry campaign. Here is what Steve Breyman thinks of JK's performance and here is Paul Wright's assessment of the Boston Challenger(ryhmes with Strangler does it not?)and even though Dave Lindorff pleads passionately for the Left to vote for Kerry, people like Greg Palast are far from being impressedalthough Billionaire Speculator and East European coup mastermind George Soros is going after Dubya's jugular, he wants to take the Texan Executioner out; even as former president Jimmy Carter worries about a repeat of the electoral debacle in Florida which robbed thousands of Democrat voting African-Americans of their constitutional rights because the same Bush-Republican mafia still dominates that process in that sunny state infested with the cobras and vipers who fled the Cuban Revolution.

Yesterday, a Kenyan woman who goes by the online handle "dengu" posted the following hilarious link which captures some of my sentiments about the US Presidential race.

In fact the more I watched the gab fest on the TV(and I watched every nanosecond of it) the more I thought of this song, Television composed by Michael Franti when he was still with Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy. Franti, who now fronts Spearhead has used his voice, his songwriting ability to talk progressive and militant politics. He is one of the most prominent American performance artists in the movement aginst the war in Iraq. There is this video, he is talking about another war,going on right now in America:

Open this link and then press on the icon for Rock The Nation. Listening to "Television" immediately brought to mind the early seventies classic, The Revolution Will Not Be Televised by a seminal and phenomenal poet, novelist and musician who anticipated the rap genre by almost twenty years...

We are of course referring to Gil Scott Heron.

Here is Gil Scott Heron doing Whitey On The Moon and if you press this other link, you can read the lyrics of the poem

that talks about the irony of Americans sending astronauts to the moon, when rats are still feeding on African-Americans back on earth. When Ronald Reagan was elected President in 1980, Gil Scott Heron did this musical commentary he called, "B Movie"reminding his listeners of how the bad actor had ascended to a top political office.

Remind Us is a moving multi-media piece that captures, with such eloquence and power the seething indignation felt by many patriotic Americans about the lies the Bush administration told them about the real reasons for invading and occupying Iraq.

and let me throw this one in as well (works best with the Explorer and its Media Player):

Click Here

Your Waris one of the most powerful songs to have come out of the anti-war movement in recent years:

And check out this new hip video called Billionaires for Bush

Erich Blumrich is an American multimedia artist who has used his talent to comment very forcefully and passionately creating images, sounds, animation using Macromedia's Flash software among other things.

Check out Erich Blumrich's Site to see it for yourself:

Woody Harrelson, the well known American film actor who first made his mark in the long running Cheers television series, has been a dedicated progressive voice, a peace and environmental rights activist and accomplished poet all this time:

Voice Yourself

2.0.American Idol Meets Jeopardy: A 2 Horse Face Off in Montreal Moderated by Oloo

Dear Readers of the Kenya Democracy Blog:

I am happy to report a WORLD EXCLUSIVE:

After extensive negotiations with the Bush campaign and the Kerry Team we are pleased to report to you that the Republican candidate and the Democratic nominee have BOTH AGREED to an IN BETWEEN face to face encounter right here in the good old city of Montreal. As we speak, I am finishing a sumptous dinner with Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin, Quebec Premier Jean Charest and Montreal Mayor Marcel Tremblay- the trio took me out at federal, provinical and municipal tax payers' expense to celebrate this humungous windfall to the the Candian, Quebecois and Montreal economy, but more importantly to get the business card of my personal mganga- they want to know how I not only how I actually managed to get through to President Bush and convince an obviously skeptical John Kerry to accede to this unusual overture.

Well, my lips are sealed, but here is what I can reveal(and forgive me if I choose my next few words rather CAREFULLY, for obvious security leakages- hint hint, Al Qaeda sleeper cells and what not):

I quickly realized that the Toronto Leafs had a statistically greater chance to win the next Stanley Cup and the Golden State Warriors were more likely to be crowned the 2005 NBA champions more than ANY OF THE REMAINING DEBATES were likely to incorporate JUST ONE MISERLY QUESTION of DIRECT RELEVANCE TO AFRICAN AMERICANS.

I therefore decided to capitalize on this structural and systemic problem and cash in on the rabid obsession most North Americans have with televised contests of all kinds- the Price is Freakin' Right, Predictable Jeopardy, Exotic Survivor, Boring Big Brother, Who Wants to Be A Rich Sloth, Sick and Twisted Fear Factor, Empty Vanilla American Idol and what not to make the INCREDIBLY BORING PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES MORE ENTERTAINING.

How to do this?

First of all, move at least one of these encounters to THE SEXY, EXOTIC AND KICK ASS CITY OF MONTREAL to begin with.

Secondly, COMBINE American Idol with Jeopardy.

I ruled out Who Wants to Be a Millionaire because both of these guys are ALREADY MILLIONAIRES-they want to be ZILLONAIRES-which is outside my alloted budget at the moment.

Thirdly, we decided to inject some MOTION, EMOTION and EXCITEMENT into the face off by making MANDATORY that MOST IF NOT ALL OF THE QUESTIONS WOULD BE MUSICAL, REQUIRING the candidate to EITHER SING or DANCE their ANSWER, and FREQUENTLY DO BOTH.

To raise the level of difficulty and ELIMINATE THE POSSIBILITY that the MODERATOR(namely moi, OO) had not been BRIBED TO FIX THE CONTEST ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, we decided to limit the category to one subject matter where we were ALMOST CERTAIN THAT EACH CANDIDATE HAD LITTLE ACCESS AND DIRECT KNOWLEDGE OF- namely the African American community and its diverse culture.

In the interests of FAIRNESS, ACCOUNTABILITY, TRANSPARENCY and GOOD GOVERNANCE we have decided to PUBLISH the format of the questions in advance to give you a foretaste of the real test. Don't worry- these are sample questions to give you an idea of how we plan to make the two Yale alumni SQUIRM and SWEAT with DESPERATE DESPAIR.

For security reasons of course, I AM NOT AT LIBERTY TO REVEAL TO YOU WHEN OR WHERE in Montreal the Face Off will take place.

Here goes.

3.0. Welcome to the Kerry/Bush Musical Face Off in Montreal

Due to a prior coin toss Senator Kerry you go first.

Senator, when you hear the music come on, we would like you to IMMEDIATELY START DANCING to the falling song called Sexual Revolution

Senator, the idea is to DANCE, Senator, not gallop like a gazelle in extreme heat!

Well, senator, here are two images of the artist.

Can you name her?

Senator, if you are having difficulty identifying the artist, feel free to
click on this link to find out something about her biography.

President Bush: it is your turn.

First of all, since we know you LOVE reading GOAT STORIES to school children when America is under attack by vicious terrorists, we would like you to pause and reflect on whether you are as good and effective commander in chief as you make yourself out to be, even as you listen to these children's voices

Thank you Mr President.

Now please FOLLOW TO THE LETTER THE INSTRUCTIONS in the following song which urges you to Shake Your Bum Bum

President Bush, can you identify your pint sized fellow American who composed that song?

Still clueless?

Well, we will help you out.

Look carefully at this picture.

The answer is written all over the image:

Don't get it still?

Not a problem.

Now sweat Mr President.

Listen to this other song of hers.

She gives you a BROAD HINT by suggesting that This Is Who I Am.

Still stumped?

Well, just like the Senator before you, click on this link to find out the answer

Senator Kerry back to you.

We can see that you are still PANTING from that opening dance number.

We want you to CALM DOWN and STUDY the following images.

Chillax, Senator Kerry, CHILLAX.


Who is she?

Think, Senator, think.

She is more likely to vote for you, more than your opponent.

So please do not spoil it.

She comes from the East too and she performed in your home town not too long ago.

Who is she?

Let us give you a few hints.

The President had his skit, and just to be fair, we want to give you one as well.

Turn on your ears senator because here is the skit

Who is she and what are they talking about?

Do you comprehend Ebonics, Senator Kerry?

Now listen to this song where she is talking about
a dear friend of hers

Who is she, and how would YOU support the cause she is talking aboutin the song if you became the NEXT President of the United States of America?

President Bush:

Since you are the President we are going to ask you three simultaneous questions:

Identify the following three rappers:

Who composed this song?
how about this one?
and this one as well?
and do you know this guy?

Hint hint hint:

Look at this picture and tell us:

Senator Kerry since you are the challenger, we will ask you a soft ball question that goes back to your Vietnam career that you have milked for all its worth.

Who on earth is this woman below, senator?

After identifying her by SINGING OUT YOUR ANSWER IN A RUB A DUB STYLE, could you go ahead and comment briefly on her three brief comments below:

Starting with this one

followed by this one
and concluding with this one

Mr President back to you.

Even though we have very little love for you up here in Canada, we think fair is fair and if we asked Senator Kerry a soft ball question, you too deserve a soft ball question that even the dullest dullard can answer in their sleep.

Ready, George W. Bush?

Here goes...

Look at the series of pictures featuring this ensemble of African-American women artists:

Mr President, you currently live and work in Washington, just like these women. In fact they have lived and worked in the Washington area far longer than you have. Around the time you were wiggling out of Vietnam, they were getting started and they keep getting stronger with the years.

Who are THEY?

Clueless in Montreal once more Dubya??

Well, let us help you out.

They did this rendition of Bob Marley's famous Redemption song

We have decided NOT to ask you if you know who Bob Marley was since we understand that prior to your becoming President, the only foreign country you had visited was Mexico.

We are not sure if you had even ever ventured into our country Canada just minutes north of your family summer lair in Kennesomethingorother, Maine.

Mr President, we are on your case, we want you to sweat a little.

You should quickly supply the answer to the following question since your buddy Tom Ridge when he was Governor of Pennsylvania helped to keep this guy at his current residence.

First of all, since we know that you are NOT REALLY BORN TO READ, we shall show you some pictures:

Next, since you LOVE AND ADORE HUMAN EXECUTIONS, can you share with us your feedback to the following voice commentaries from that individual:

What are your views on Death Row?
How About America's War on the Poor?/

Senator Kerry your turn again.

Most African- Americans will vote for you.

How familiar are you with African-American history?

For instance, tell us ALL YOU KNOW about the individual featured in the pictures below:

Senator we want you to SING A LONG to following tunes made famous by the same guy
start with this one
and conclude with this one

President Bush:

Your turn.

We want to share with you photos of two young men who have a part of your title in their title.

Can you please tell us who they are after looking at these pictures:

Now MR. PRESIDENT, comes the hard part.

CAN YOU PLEASE STOP LOOKING AT YOUR NOTES and answer the following questions as you listen to each of the following songs:
Who is "they" in the song, "they" schools
Do you think America is a Police State?
Do you think America is a Free country?
Do you think every American has access to adequate health care in the United States?

Why on earth are they asking the American youth to fuck the law?

Senator Kerry, we are almost at the end.

We want you to steal a glance at this image of this rapper originally from Chicago.

He is just as tall as you are, and his father once played for the NBA:

Not too long ago, he composed a song about this woman:

Who is he and who is she?

Here is the song he composed in her honour.

Do you where she lives these days?

Feel free to click on this link to find out if you are in fact, confused, Senator John Kerry

President Kerry and Governor Bush-I BEG YOUR PARDON, GENTLEMEN, President Bush and Senator Kerry, we are about to conclude our musical quiz here in Montreal and we want the last question to test your commitment to BIPARTISANSHIP.

We want you to answer this last question together.

First study the pictures below:




Listen carefully to this interview.

It is rather long but you will find it very fascinating

Here is the LAST QUESTION:


Think Carefully Before you ANSWER.

Onyango Oloo

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